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By the time Emily placed Ethan in my arms, I had been inside the hotel for less than forty minutes. My suitcase was still zipped shut beside the bed, my sandals were dusted with sand from the path between the lobby and our building, and through the open balcony door I could hear an ocean I had not yet seen properly. \u201cJust for a little while, Mom,\u201d she said, already reaching for her purse. \u201cBrian and I need to straighten out one thing downstairs.\u201d Then she kissed her seven-year-old son on the head and disappeared before I thought to ask what \u201ca little while\u201d meant.<\/p>\n
Ethan did not bother me. That was the first thing I kept reminding myself. He was my only grandson, all narrow shoulders and restless knees, with a habit of pushing his dark hair out of his eyes whenever he became absorbed in something. Since his grandfather died, he had developed a quiet tenderness toward me that sometimes broke my heart. He would squeeze my hand without explanation. He would ask whether I missed Grandpa today, as though grief followed a schedule. When he climbed onto my bed and asked whether we could build a fort from the hotel pillows, saying no felt almost cruel.<\/p>\n
So I said yes.<\/p>\n
I was sixty-two, and eight months had passed since Julian died. Eight months since I had awakened at 3:17 one November morning to the sound of him struggling to breathe. Eight months since an ambulance had carried away the man who had slept beside me for thirty-eight years and never brought him home again. People told me that time would soften the edges. Perhaps it did for some people. For me, time had mostly taught the house how to sound empty.<\/p>\n
Emily had noticed. At least that was what I believed when she announced the trip.<\/p>\n
She had arrived at my apartment three weeks earlier carrying coffee and the determined expression she had worn since childhood whenever she wanted something settled before anyone could object. \u201cYou need sunlight,\u201d she had said, pulling open curtains I had left closed until almost noon. \u201cYou need somewhere beautiful. Somewhere Dad would have loved.\u201d<\/p>\n
I had laughed weakly. \u201cYour father hated sand.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe hated sand in his shoes. He loved the ocean.\u201d<\/p>\n
That was true, and it silenced me.<\/p>\n
She told me she and Brian had found a package at a beachfront resort. Seven nights. Meals, transportation from the airport, several activities. She described the pool, the balcony rooms, a boat excursion over a coral reef. Then she said the sentence that lowered every defense I had.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s our gift to you, Mom.\u201d<\/p>\n
I protested because mothers are expected to protest when their children spend money on them. Emily brushed every objection aside. She said Brian had received an excellent promotional rate. She said Ethan would be thrilled to have me there. Most of all, she said she worried about me sitting alone at home, speaking to Julian\u2019s photograph more often than I spoke to living people.<\/p>\n
That part hurt because it was true.<\/p>\n
The week before we left, Emily came by again in a hurry. Her banking application had locked her out, she said, and she needed to pay a registration fee connected with their SUV before a deadline. She asked whether she could use my emergency credit card and promised to transfer the money the following day. I handed it to her without hesitation. She was my daughter. The card returned to my kitchen counter later, and whether she had repaid me slipped out of my mind among dozens of other things I had stopped checking carefully after Julian\u2019s death.<\/p>\n
Now, standing in a hotel room with Ethan wrapped in a white blanket pretending it was a superhero cape, I remembered none of that as suspicious. I remembered only how pleased Emily had looked when I finally agreed to travel.<\/p>\n
\u201cCan we see the beach?\u201d Ethan asked.<\/p>\n
I looked toward the balcony. Afternoon sunlight lay across the water like hammered silver.<\/p>\n
\u201cAbsolutely.\u201d<\/p>\n
We made it as far as the sand before Emily texted.<\/p>\n
Running longer than expected. Could you keep him another hour? Love you!<\/p>\n
I stared at the message, then at Ethan, who was attempting to dig a moat around his flip-flops. An hour was nothing. I had nowhere I urgently needed to be. My first scheduled activity was a welcome dinner that evening, and the sunset was still hours away.<\/p>\n
Of course, I replied.<\/p>\n
Ethan and I collected shells until he became hungry. I bought him a fruit drink and shared a basket of fries with him at a caf\u00e9 near the pool. He talked about his teacher, his soccer team, and a boy named Mason who apparently cheated at four square with such sophisticated dishonesty that Ethan devoted nearly ten minutes to explaining it. Listening to him made me smile more than I had expected. That, too, made it easy to ignore how much time was passing.<\/p>\n
At six thirty, I called Emily.<\/p>\n
She did not answer.<\/p>\n
At seven, she sent another message.<\/p>\n
We ended up grabbing dinner. Hope you two are having fun! We\u2019ll come get him soon.<\/p>\n
The welcome dinner began at seven fifteen.<\/p>\n
I looked at the dress hanging from the wardrobe door. Blue, with short sleeves and a loose waist. Julian had bought it during the last summer of our marriage after seeing me examine it in a shop window. When I complained that the color was too bright for someone my age, he had rolled his eyes and told me age was not a contagious disease.<\/p>\n
I had packed it because I thought wearing it beside the ocean might make me feel close to him.<\/p>\n
Instead, I ordered room service for Ethan.<\/p>\n
He wanted macaroni. I was not hungry, but ordered soup so he would not eat alone. At eight forty-five, he fell asleep across my bed while watching cartoons. His parents finally returned a little after nine.<\/p>\n
Emily entered first, cheeks pink from the sun, a thin gold bracelet on her wrist and the unmistakable looseness of someone who had enjoyed several drinks. Brian followed her carrying two shopping bags.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, Mom.\u201d Emily looked at sleeping Ethan. \u201cYou\u2019re a lifesaver.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou said an hour.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know. Things got away from us.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat things?\u201d<\/p>\n
For half a second, she and Brian exchanged a glance.<\/p>\n
Brian lifted one of the bags. \u201cWe found this little market off the resort. You would\u2019ve loved it.\u201d<\/p>\n
I nearly asked why they had not invited me.<\/p>\n
Instead, I said, \u201cI missed the welcome dinner.\u201d<\/p>\n
Emily\u2019s face softened. \u201cOh, Mom. I\u2019m sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n
She sounded genuinely sorry, which was enough to make me feel unreasonable for mentioning it.<\/p>\n
\u201cThere\u2019ll be other dinners,\u201d she added. \u201cThe whole point of this trip is for you to relax.\u201d<\/p>\n
Brian scooped Ethan into his arms without waking him fully. My grandson murmured something and tucked his face against his father\u2019s shoulder.<\/p>\n
Emily hugged me before leaving. \u201cTomorrow is your day. I promise.\u201d<\/p>\n
After the door shut, the room became abruptly quiet.<\/p>\n
I stepped onto the balcony.<\/p>\n
Far below, people walked along the beach beneath strings of yellow lights. Music drifted from somewhere near the pool. A woman laughed, and the sound briefly resembled my sister\u2019s. Waves reached the shore in a steady rhythm, disappearing and returning as though the ocean understood that leaving did not always mean being gone forever.<\/p>\n
I should have felt fortunate.<\/p>\n
My daughter had brought me here because she loved me. My grandson had spent the afternoon laughing beside me. I was standing above one of the most beautiful beaches I had ever seen.<\/p>\n
Still, I felt the familiar impulse to turn around and tell Julian something.<\/p>\n
Look at that moon.<\/p>\n
Look at this ridiculous balcony.<\/p>\n
You\u2019d complain about the humidity.<\/p>\n
The words rose automatically and had nowhere to go.<\/p>\n
I pressed my hands against the railing until the ache passed.<\/p>\n
The following morning, I woke before six. For several minutes I did not remember where I was. Then I heard waves instead of the refrigerator humming in my apartment and saw the pale edge of sunrise through the curtains.<\/p>\n
My itinerary lay on the desk.<\/p>\n
At ten, I had reserved a guided coastal tour. It would be my first excursion since Julian died. I had nearly canceled it twice before leaving home because the idea of going somewhere without him felt oddly disloyal. Finally, I had promised myself I would go.<\/p>\n
I showered, dressed, put sunscreen in my bag, and was fastening my sandals when someone knocked.<\/p>\n
Emily stood outside with Ethan.<\/p>\n
He was still wearing pajama shorts.<\/p>\n
Behind them, Brian waited in the hallway wearing swim trunks, sunglasses pushed onto his head.<\/p>\n
My daughter gave me an apologetic smile.<\/p>\n
\u201cMom, I hate to ask you this on your first real morning here.\u201d<\/p>\n
Something tightened in my stomach.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat happened?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNothing happened. That\u2019s the problem. Brian booked us a couples massage months ago and apparently it can\u2019t be moved without losing the money.\u201d<\/p>\n
Brian raised his hands. \u201cTheir cancellation policy is brutal.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at Ethan.<\/p>\n
Then at the excursion ticket lying beside my purse.<\/p>\n
Emily followed my eyes.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh.\u201d Her smile weakened. \u201cIs your tour today?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAt ten.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow long is it?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNearly five hours.\u201d<\/p>\n
She bit her lower lip.<\/p>\n
Ethan stood between us, tracing a pattern in the carpet with one bare toe.<\/p>\n
Emily said, very gently, \u201cWe\u2019d take him, obviously, but children aren\u2019t allowed in the spa.\u201d<\/p>\n
There were at least five sensible responses available to me.<\/p>\n
Ask the hotel about childcare.<\/p>\n
Move the massage.<\/p>\n
Let Brian go alone.<\/p>\n
Let Emily go alone.<\/p>\n
Tell them that their scheduling problem was not mine.<\/p>\n
Instead, I looked down at Ethan, and he smiled because he had no idea a decision was being made around him.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat time will you be finished?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n
Emily brightened immediately.<\/p>\n
\u201cBefore lunch. Absolutely.\u201d<\/p>\n
I picked up the excursion ticket.<\/p>\n
For one moment, I imagined myself sitting on the open side of a tour boat while salt wind lifted my hair, looking at a coastline I had traveled hundreds of miles to see.<\/p>\n
Then I placed the ticket back on the desk.<\/p>\n
\u201cAll right,\u201d I said. \u201cBut only until lunch.\u201d<\/p>\n
Emily kissed my cheek.<\/p>\n
\u201cI knew I could count on you.\u201d<\/p>\n
The sentence was affectionate.<\/p>\n