The Saturday after I started my travel notebook, the children arrived just after lunch. This time there was no confusion about the arrangement. Tori had called me the night before, asked whether I was available, and waited for my answer. I had checked my calendar, confirmed that I wanted the visit, and said yes.<\/p>\n
The distinction was small enough that another person might have missed it. I didn't. Every time someone asked rather than assumed, it reminded me that the lesson from Japan had become part of our family rather than a temporary correction.<\/p>\n
Maggie ran through the front door carrying Bun-Bun. Finn followed with a plastic bag filled with snacks he had apparently chosen himself. Chloe had her notebook, and Eli brought a paperback book he said he wanted to finish before dinner.<\/p>\n
\u201cGrandma,\u201d Maggie called, \u201cdid you choose where you're going next?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot yet.\u201d<\/p>\n
She looked disappointed.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy not?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause choosing a destination takes time.\u201d<\/p>\n
Finn dropped his bag on the floor.<\/p>\n
\u201cChoose somewhere with a pool.\u201d<\/p>\n
Chloe rolled her eyes.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat's because you don't know anything about traveling.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know pools.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat doesn't count.\u201d<\/p>\n
Eli laughed quietly.<\/p>\n
I watched them argue and thought about how much older they seemed than they had on that morning at my door. Perhaps the children hadn't changed as dramatically as I imagined. Perhaps I was simply seeing them differently now. They were not four responsibilities handed to me. They were four individual people becoming themselves.<\/p>\n
After lunch, Chloe asked whether she could look at my travel notebook.<\/p>\n
I handed it to her.<\/p>\n
She read the title on the first page.<\/p>\n
\u201cPlaces I Want to See.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat's it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou didn't write where you're going.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause I don't know yet.\u201d<\/p>\n
She considered that.<\/p>\n
\u201cWould you go somewhere alone?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMaybe.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWould you be scared?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cProbably.\u201d<\/p>\n
She smiled.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou were scared of Portugal.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut you went.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
She closed the notebook and returned it.<\/p>\n
\u201cI think that's good.\u201d<\/p>\n
I laughed.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou sound like my therapist.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don't even know what that means.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNeither do I.\u201d<\/p>\n
That evening, after dinner, we sat around the living room. Rain tapped against the windows, and the younger children played quietly on the rug. Eli was reading. Chloe was drawing. Maggie had fallen asleep with Bun-Bun under her chin.<\/p>\n
Finn looked up suddenly.<\/p>\n
\u201cGrandma?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy did Mom and Dad leave us with you if you were going to Portugal?\u201d<\/p>\n
The room became quiet.<\/p>\n
I looked at Caleb's oldest son.<\/p>\n
He had asked the question without accusation, but I knew the answer mattered.<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause your parents made a mistake,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat kind?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe kind adults make when they assume they know what another person will say.\u201d<\/p>\n
Eli looked up from his book.<\/p>\n
\u201cDad thought you'd say yes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
Finn frowned.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy would he think that?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause I had said yes many times before.\u201d<\/p>\n
Chloe spoke quietly.<\/p>\n
\u201cBut that doesn't mean you had to.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
She nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat's what you always tell us.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat do I tell you?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat you can love somebody and still say no.\u201d<\/p>\n
I smiled.<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
Eli closed his book.<\/p>\n
\u201cDo you think Mom and Dad are different now?\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at all four children.<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cReally?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause they ask?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat's part of it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat else?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThey listen when I answer.\u201d<\/p>\n
Eli seemed satisfied.<\/p>\n
Then he said, \u201cThat's probably important.\u201d<\/p>\n
I smiled.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt is.\u201d<\/p>\n
Later that night, after the children were asleep, I sat at the kitchen table with my notebook. I had been thinking about what they said.<\/p>\n
Children absorb the rules adults live by.<\/p>\n
If they saw me constantly surrendering my time, they might grow up believing love required surrender.<\/p>\n
If they saw me set boundaries while still showing affection, perhaps they would learn something healthier.<\/p>\n
I wrote one sentence in the notebook.<\/p>\n
Love does not require disappearance.<\/p>\n
Then I closed it.<\/p>\n
The next morning, Caleb arrived to pick them up.<\/p>\n
He walked into the kitchen while I was making coffee.<\/p>\n
\u201cHow was everyone?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAlive.\u201d<\/p>\n
He laughed.<\/p>\n
\u201cGood.\u201d<\/p>\n
I handed him a mug.<\/p>\n
\u201cSit.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked surprised.<\/p>\n
\u201cDo I have permission?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDon't get used to it.\u201d<\/p>\n
He sat.<\/p>\n
For several minutes we talked about ordinary things.<\/p>\n
Work.<\/p>\n
School.<\/p>\n
The weather.<\/p>\n
Then Caleb looked toward the mantel.<\/p>\n
The Portuguese tile caught the morning light.<\/p>\n
\u201cDo you miss Portugal?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWould you go back?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMaybe.\u201d<\/p>\n
He smiled.<\/p>\n
\u201cI think you should.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at him.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou're not going to complain about the cost?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt's your money.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGood answer.\u201d<\/p>\n
He laughed.<\/p>\n
Then his expression became serious.<\/p>\n
\u201cMom, I've been thinking about something.\u201d<\/p>\n
I waited.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don't want my kids to grow up thinking family means one person always sacrifices.\u201d<\/p>\n
I didn't respond immediately.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy are you telling me that?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause I realized I was teaching them that without meaning to.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked down at his coffee.<\/p>\n
\u201cI watched you do everything for us and thought that was what love looked like.\u201d<\/p>\n
My chest tightened.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd maybe you watched me too.\u201d<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cI did.\u201d<\/p>\n
I reached across the table and touched his hand.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou know what I want you to teach them?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat helping people is good.\u201d<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cBut?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut you ask first.\u201d<\/p>\n
He smiled.<\/p>\n
\u201cI can do that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
He stood to leave.<\/p>\n
At the door, he turned.<\/p>\n
\u201cMom?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHave you decided where you're going?\u201d<\/p>\n
I shook my head.<\/p>\n
\u201cNot yet.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen don't rush.\u201d<\/p>\n
I smiled.<\/p>\n
\u201cI won't.\u201d<\/p>\n
After he left, I opened my notebook again.<\/p>\n
I added another sentence.<\/p>\n
Don't rush what belongs to you.<\/p>\n
For the first time, I began researching destinations seriously.<\/p>\n
I considered Greece.<\/p>\n
Ireland.<\/p>\n
Italy.<\/p>\n
Then I found a photograph of the coast of Maine.<\/p>\n
I stared at it for several minutes.<\/p>\n
It wasn't exotic.<\/p>\n
It wasn't far away.<\/p>\n
But something about the rocky shoreline and gray-blue water appealed to me.<\/p>\n
I wrote Maine.<\/p>\n
Then underneath it, I wrote:<\/p>\n
Maybe with the children.<\/p>\n
The thought surprised me.<\/p>\n
Not because I didn't love traveling with them.<\/p>\n
Because I realized I could invite them into my life without making my life revolve around them.<\/p>\n
That was different.<\/p>\n
That afternoon, I called Tori.<\/p>\n
\u201cI have a question.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWould you and Caleb be comfortable with me taking the children on a short trip sometime?\u201d<\/p>\n
There was a pause.<\/p>\n
\u201cAbsolutely.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don't know where yet.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWherever you want.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd I would decide the dates.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOf course.\u201d<\/p>\n
I smiled.<\/p>\n
\u201cGood.\u201d<\/p>\n
Tori laughed softly.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt's strange hearing you say that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat you're making plans without apologizing.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at the notebook.<\/p>\n
\u201cI think I'm getting better at it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou are.\u201d<\/p>\n
We hung up.<\/p>\n
I sat on the porch until sunset.<\/p>\n
The future no longer felt like something that would happen after everyone else had finished needing me.<\/p>\n
It felt open.<\/p>\n
And I had finally learned that open was not the same as uncertain.<\/p>\n
Sometimes open simply meant there was room to choose.<\/p>\n
The Saturday after I started my travel notebook, the children arrived just after lunch. This time there was no confusion about the arrangement. Tori had called me the night before, … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":7679,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-7688","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-sharestory"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/onesharedstory.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7688","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/onesharedstory.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/onesharedstory.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/onesharedstory.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/onesharedstory.online\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=7688"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/onesharedstory.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7688\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":7700,"href":"https:\/\/onesharedstory.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7688\/revisions\/7700"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/onesharedstory.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/7679"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/onesharedstory.online\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=7688"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/onesharedstory.online\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=7688"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/onesharedstory.online\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=7688"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}